Can't teach your old dog new tricks? Then shut the hell up!

Man's best friend puts up with a lot of crap. No, I'm not talking about the constant threat of a neutering and I'm definately not talking about the ticks and fleas that hornily assault the fur of an aging mutt. I'm talking about the callous owners who constantly bark orders like "sit", "roll" and "stay", assuming these belligerent yelps will send up a green light in their canine and yield a perfect result.

Okay, first problem with this: It makes the owner look like a complete twat. The fact that they're so passionate about their pet's ability to roll over on command suggests that they are either one of those people who shamelessly trot their dogs out in front of a panel of judges and force it to perform unimpressive tricks so the owner can get a chance to win a lifetime's supply of Pedigrees, or are just obsessive and lonely.

Second problem: It degrades the dog. If dogs could talk (and Walt Disney experts have concluded they can) then they would turn to their owner, lecture them about boundaries, then spit in their face. Furthermore, I'm sure that after seven years of agitated life and hundreds of thousands of years of evolution, the poor sullen mutt would atleast know how to sit down or not move.

So if you are one of these people, then I respectfully implore you to find a nearby blunt object or piece of shrapnel and just go to town on your unnaturally thick skull. (No offense.) Either that or have your pet put down to spare it further torture in your presence.